"There have been times when his music has made me cry myself to sleep, only to wake a better man."
"He knows what real women want."
"Nagy... that cat makes me bust a gut!!!"
"What the hell is this???"
At the time of his birth, strange astronomical phenomena were sited in the night sky. It is rumoured that three astrology specialists from Thorold, travelled to Welland to investigate this happening. It is also rumoured that a famous Port Colborne psychic began a second menstrual cycle for that month.
I do not want to talk about my childhood, as it has no relevance to rock and roll (save for my parents getting divorced).
At the age of ten, Doug, and his brother, the dragon roadie (Wayne), were introduced to heavy metal by a priestess of the highest order / babysitter. Each day they would watch hours of heavy metal videos and tease their bangs.
Young Douglas, needy for a moral role model, decided to mirror his life to the moral instructions of his new favourite band Motley Crue.
It was at this point that Doug was introduced to the ukulele by his elementary school music class. He was told about an individual named Tiny Tim, a man stranger than the instrument he played, who made a living playing this instrument. Fascinated, Doug sought to obtain one whether bought or stolen.
With a bass guitar for a Christmas gift, he began his musical endeavours with other, twelve year old, metal enthusiasts. It is rumoured that demos from this period found their way into the hands of the international sensation known as the Scorpions. The unholy purity of these metal tracks are now selling millions.
In grade nine, Doug finally purchased both a baritone and a soprano ukulele. Although these were acquired as hobby instruments, he soon realized their arcane channelling powers. When Doug holds a bass, it’s like squeezing a lady, but when he plays the ukulele he births obese children. The ukulele is not simply an instrument, it is a conduit of chi energy.
In October of Doug’s grade ten year, he converted to Christianity, much to the dismay of all Doug’s demon friends in Hell. Although his song writing skills and ukulele proficiency grew, Doug’s creative process and live performances were confined by the new restrictive way of life. The devil wept.
At The Club in St. Catharines, Ontario, Doug developed this live show at open mike nights. On one occasions members of Skingerbreadman began to kiss his feet and asked Doug to perform with them later that night, and to also send them a demo tape. The approving crowd encouraged Doug to take his skill seriously. Although he never heard back from Skingerbreadman, once again, the stolen material was used to sell millions of copies across Eastern Europe.
Doug entered both adulthood and Ontario Bible College simultaneously, beginning his protestant ministerial schooling. Because of a hectic schedule and eeming lack of interest from others, very little was done for two years.
After an interview in the zine: Building Adam, and the subsequent bootlegging of tapes (millions) Doug’s excitement returned. He played more shows and remembered the joy of performing. This lead to Doug recording a cd and again incorporating his ukulele pursuits into his schedule.
After finishing an undergraduate degree (BRE) and beginning his master’s (MTS) Doug decided to take a year off and look for job opportunities as a youth minister. After a few interviews and many sleepless nights, Doug began considering prog-glam-folk-rock on a full time basis.
With this, Doug commissioned mastersmith Fred Gabrsek, to construct a legendary signature ukulele of his own design. During casual conversation Fred mentioned that his friend had seen one of Doug’s performances at The Club. Fred then proceeded to sing the chorus to “Christmas-time in Brazil”. This event revealed to Doug his burning need to pursue rock and roll, and that without it he would never be truly complete.
As Doug’s faith in rock and roll grew, his faith in Christianity dwindled. After seven years of committed belief and an outstanding student load, Doug decided the things of God were actually the things of humanity, and proclaimed himself an atheist. The following weekend the Devil and Doug met for coffee, where they sketched out a deal on a napkin. The Devil indicated that his former avatars, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and Danzig, were all “pansies”, and a new emissary was longed for.
Doug wanted money. The Devil wanted his children to live a life of immorality akin to that of the artist formerly known as Prince.
Despite the ongoing discrimination for being a ukulele artist, and persecution for wild stage antics (like that time he had intercourse with a jack-o-lantern), Doug is playing as many shows a possible, developing a new cd, assembling a documentary, and plans to tour Canada this summer.
In an excerpt from a recent interview with Geddy Lee (Canadian Rock Legend) he was quoted as saying
"I don’t think I could obtain an erection without the aid of Douggie’s new album. It’s the greatest."
Doug's main goal though, is to obtain massive wealth and a record deal with Geffen so he can both sell Room 101 out, and have the ability to afford frequent weight fluctuations similar to the likes of Oprah Winfrey and Ricki Lake.
"When I can afford to be both fat and skinny, I'll know I've made it."